Rather Be Home

Some days I’d just rather be home. Like today. I’d rather be serving the Lord in a place where I, for the most part, understand the culture, know how to speak to emotions and deep thought processes of my own culture, and am surrounded by a host of friends and family who can love and encourage me when times are hard. Today, to be honest, I’d rather be home.

I suspect my depressive thoughts stem from my own grief over the events of these past couple of weeks. Walking through the toil of death with a dear friend is hard because you feel so helpless and it seems like a lack of words is a deficiency of ministry ability. I know it’s not; in reality, the best ministry, in times like these, is just sitting next to a friend and weep with those who are weeping. I know that…I guess my heart hurts so much that my friend can’t hear more of the thousands of thoughts I have had about him and his difficult circumstances.

In addition, I have been so disheartened, frustrated, angered, and saddened by insights I have understood about the worldview of the Aja people, even many believers. I know this is where anthropological insights are helpful, but having insights into another culture’s worldview, and understanding it are two different things.

The Aja people, in my opinion, are so fear oriented. Yes, it causes me to have compassion on them and is really one of the reasons it was so exciting to come and share the liberating news of hope with them over 6 years ago. But candidly, their residual fear of evil spirits, curses, ancestral demons, and even fear of one another (jealousy)…well it’s just too much…I’m so tired of it! Makes me sick, frustrated, and so tired of watching them live the way they do.

So I need to vent. You have to know that, in the majority of my thoughts, I remain compassionate, caring, and sympathetic to their plight against the evil one. I will persevere in these difficult times, offering words of hope, sitting with those who mourn, and I will continue to engage those in conversation who are trying their best to make sense of a world filled with difficult things like death. I am committed to sharing the good words of Jesus with people who are so young in their faith and are simply wrestling how to make this Christian faith seem real in such intense moments of emotion. Not too much unlike us I guess.

Jesus confronts our worldview. Always has. The Spirit leads us and guides us to conviction, yet our flesh grapples with trying to wear the old rags.

I mean it when I express my appreciation for those of you who have written comments on this blog or emailed your encouragement. I express my thoughts candidly on this blog so as not to make anything appear as it is not. It’s hard being a missionary. Don’t feel cut out for it some days. Yeh, I’d rather be home. Soon, I’ll return to rather being here. Just bear with me.

- R