Saturday, March 22, 2008

Almost 9 months back into life in America, the disorientation continues. I wrestle with what is re-entry and what I can compare to others as just nomal life in America that is fast paced and fatiguing. I love being with my husband and my four kids and there is great comfort in being with them regardless of where we are. We are moving along in the rushing river of life in school and church and our jobs and doing our best to stay engaged with each other and in our pursuit of knowing God. Whenever I stop for even a few minutes of silence and go for a walk alone, tears can fill my eyes and I am amazed to think that I am living here and running through my days. I am still not wishing I could be back in Benin, however, I am grieving a way of life, the familiarity of life and my home and the way our family functioned together and the things we were able to do. I am in such a different world and functioning in new ways and new roles and I wonder when it will feel like the real me is living in my skin. I am still learning what it feels like I should already know. That is as basic as how I interact with friends and family. I have lived across the world from both in a somewhat isolated world for so long that I find myself struggling with basic reaching out, connecting and sharing intimately on a regular basis. I want more connectedness and yet it does not come naturally for me.

Last night at the Meyerson, as Amy Grant sang songs that were familiar to me, I was touched in deep ways. I find myself looking at life with an altered view, reflective and at the same time very impatient with myself. The lyrics from 2 different very familar songs encouraged my heart's thoughts at this very moment in time.........

It takes a little time sometimes
to get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
to get the Titantic turned back around
But Baby your not going down
It takes more than you've got right now,
Give it time, Give it time

Well it may not be over by morning
But Rome wasn't built in a day
You can name that thing a thousand times
It won't make it go away

You can't fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul


Every road that's traveled teaches something new
And every road that's narrow
Pushes us to choose
And I'd be lying if I said
I had not tried to leave a time or two
But every road that leads me
Leads me back to you

Here we stand in the middle
of what we've come to know
It's a dance, it's a balance
Holding on and Letting Go
But there is nothing that we can't resolve
When Love's at stake
When Love's involved

Once again I find myself so thankful to be walking through life with Christ. I am not alone and His ways are gentle. He is here and I need Him.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing how you are doing. It helps me to pray for you specifically. I can relate in a small way right now to the emotions involved with reconnecting with family. I called a couple of family members last night and it was strange/unfamiliar....I can only imagine what it will be like in a few months.

Loving you...praise God...blessings

Cheryl said...

Sweet these words resonate with me today. Brought me to tears. I'm on the eve of "temporary re-entry" and have thought these very things, especially concerning connectedness.
Praying for you and greatly anticipating hearing your heart in person maybe!!!
Love you--

Becky Reeves said...

Kelly, reading your post brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. I can only imagine myself in your shoes and I know I would be feeling so many of the same things. Even by the end of furloughs some of these feelings start coming out for me. You are so right in clinging to the Lord. Keep choosing to love and reach out. God will be faithful to bless your efforts. Love you!